I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
