when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
