I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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