I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize