Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's blow job season.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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