Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
