please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
