You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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