a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
