she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
