i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
