i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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