just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
how does that bad decision feel?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
