you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
