I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
