the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
