but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
