Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He did a backflip because drugs
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize