Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
