Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize