I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
