When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
