I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
In other news, I just burned my penis
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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