This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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