She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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