i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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