Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
