my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
