THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
