It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
