i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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