Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
