Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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