My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
