I want to have your abortion
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
