can we get nightvision for the apartment?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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