i would punch a child for taco bell
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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