Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Randomize
