When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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