i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
