I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
