I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
