I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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