I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
