yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
me + whiskey = a bad person
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
