and you said cock pushups were impossible
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
