Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
