i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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