When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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