i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
