BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
