Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
