I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
