dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
